New Interests . . .

songs by Sara Bareilles - Love Song, Gravity, One Sweet Love

book "Out of Captivity"

gotta look more into them later; on my way to work

Fabulously Furious

Deep breath in . . . Deep breath out . . . Slowly count to 10. Repeat as many times as necessary so as to calm the sizzling and bubbling hot lava that is rapidly approaching the surface and getting ready to totally spew. Can anyone say, "MOM'S ABOUT TO BLOW!!!" Grrrrrrr! Aghhhhhh! Ughhhhh!

Okay, I think the boiling has now calmed to a simmer. In fact, I believe there was a crack of a smile on Mom's face after writing this recent post.

It's been one of those mornings. You know, the kind of school mornings that are thrown a loop with a teachable moment in the midst of . . . wakings kids up, finding out that you forgot to turn on the dryer before going to bed, packing lunches, talking about yesterday's folder mark at school, making sure that last night's throw-up episode was nothing more than your little pumpkin getting overstressed, yada yada, and oh yeah . . . you've got to do all this with some sort of peace cause you're also sending your sweet husband off to work.

I've got one more kid to help get ready and take to school, and then it's time for Mama to get herself together and go in to work. Yeah! Now that, I'm looking forward to. It's been SEVERAL years since I stopped working to be a stay-at-home Mom, and I've just recently started working part-time. That is another whole blog entry in itself.

Ahhhhh . . . how much calmer I feel after having just vented. Blogging is pretty sweet!

Missing the husband . . .

Here's some old photos of my husband and I. He's gone on his first hunting trip, and I have to admit I miss him.

We've had a few rough times recently in our marriage. Honestly, tell me who doesn't ever have some rough marriage times! I don't think we ever realize how tough marriage can be. Especially if when you marry, you're not even sure of who you are as a person. That was me . . . woo! hoo! I was the one who thought "my knight in shining armor had finally rescued me!" Rescued me from what? Maybe from actually taking the journey of soul searching? Once I got married, I got busy with being a wife and soon after, a mom. There wasn't too much time to work on soul searching, until it got kind of quiet with all the kids going to school.

As I've mentioned to my husband just a few weeks ago, and it has now become somewhat of a personal motto: "growing a marriage". When marriage is abundantly joyful, painful, thrilling, lonely, thriving, or stagnant . . . as long as we continue to make the efforts to put one foot in front of the other, we are still growing. Growth requires change, and change can be difficult, yet it is necessary. So in the journey of deep soul searching, I thank my husband for remaining married even when he doesn't have a clue. (Shh! which is most of the time, but he's working on it :) Most importantly, I thank my Heavenly Father for the gift of His presence and direction, my husband and my children, as well as close family and friends that He has given me so that I don't have to make this journey alone.

Historical Day in America . . . my feelings

As we all know, today is a big day in America . . . it is the day that the first black man will be inaugurated as President of the United States of America. I still don't know how to feel about it. President Elect Barack Obama was not the man that I voted for on November 4th, 2008. In the first few days after the election, there were a range of emotions that wore me down. In the end, the stance I chose was . . . as my husband stated during various pre-election discussions with friends and family, "If Barack Obama is elected to be the President of USA, and as that office is one that I respect and honor, I will respect and honor him." So the big day is here . . . and I'm very emotional, something I wasn't expecting. It's not exciting for me, instead there is an extreme sense of sadness. There were tears falling from my eyes as I watched a snippet of the Good Morning America show this morning. It's very hard to explain because it's hard for me to understand what I'm feeling, and there is almost a sense of shame.


The snippet was about the "Tuskegee Airmen" the first African American pilots, of which Robin Robert's (GMA hostess) late father was part of. It was a history lesson for me.

It feels like it's going to be a very long day for me. I'm off to drop off my middleschooler at school. The tv will probably be on all day, just not as much as when the kids are home. We've already chatted a little about today's event, but it just doesn't seem appropriate to allow them to see my grieving. I end this entry with a prayer asking that God protect Obama and his family today and throughout his presidency, that President Bush and his family would know they are loved and appreciated for their service to this country, and that Americans would use this historic moment in history to do, as well as think only good towards each other. In God we trust . . . Amen.

Adding photos to my blog . . . help!

I've added a family photo of us in Weslaco at one of our oldest kid's regionals qualifying football game. The only thing is . . . yuck, it's huge on the blog and I don't know how to fix it! I'm tired right now, so who knows when I'll get around to learning more about adding photos and resizing them. Just a short note about the photo. The photo was taken in November and the team did end up winning Regionals in College Station on Thanksgiving weekend! So the team went to Nationals in Florida, but the Weslaco photo was the only family photo we had from the whole season! Crazy, huh!?!

Rocking my baby to sleep . . .

I forgot to mention . . . in my "personal worship" time earlier today, my youngest child came and sat in my lap. He just sat there with me as I continued to sing and pray to God. With my foot going numb and feeling uncomfortable, I continued singing but made some adjustments to our sitting arrangements. I managed to hold him somewhat like I did when I cradled my kids as babies/toddlers. Through it all, he kept his eyes closed. Tired from a sleepover he was at last night and to the sounds of Rita Springer music, he surrendered to sweet sleep. You know the kind of sleep that makes your body twitch as you finally let your body rest, that's what happened in my arms. It was so precious, and amazingly I was able to get him tucked into a bed without bonking his head on anything or waking him up. Cherish the memory.

Interruption . . . My oldest son is awesome! (He just walked in and asked what I was working on because it looks weird, ha! ha! He also told me to mention that he is awesome on the blog.)

Confession

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I've been doing things my own way lately. With the busyness of the Christmas Holidays and everything else that was on my plate this December, I lost touch with God and it's been catching up with me. It happens so mildly, the way that I lean on my own understanding. Life appears to be okay as I go about my days, saying "Shucks, I've got so much to do today . . . ugh! I should spend some time with God today, but . . . maybe later." And so it goes, until everything irritates the heck out of me and I begin snapping at my family and I feel like just barricading myself in a room with food and tv. Gee, is that a sign that I'm not bringing God into my day and allowing Him to guide me?

So I just had one of my "personal worship" times here at home in front of my computer. Sounds kind of awkward, but for me it's my truest form of surrender. My "personal worship" times are: 1) popping in a praise & worship dvd (Hillsong - Hope) 2) playing some worship cds, or 3) playing Rita Springer music from her myspace page. Basically, I just sing along and focus on surrendering whatever I'm dealing with to God. Sometimes, I'll play a particular song over and over. Sometimes it's a few songs, sometimes it's just one, but I sing until I feel a letting go of myself. Call it, a humbling surrender of my circumstances.

With surrendering to God, my circumstances slowly begin to change. Most times it will require my fessing up things that I've been avoiding. For instance, I'm going to have to tell my sweet husband that I appreciate the thoughtfulness of his Christmas gift, but I want to return it and get some shoes that I desperately need. You can't really wear flip flops when it's 40something degrees outside, and I'm tired of resorting to my beat up tenny shoes or dressy shoes. It's gonna be a hard gift to return . . . concert tickets. That means trying to get someone to buy them on craigslist.

I'm getting somewhat nauseous just thinking of having to talk with my husband about it all. That's what I get for not being honest because of not wanting to hurt his feelings or make him upset. I don't like confrontation. I don't like rocking the boat. I used to be a people pleaser, and it's hard sometimes to not go back to that life. God has been faithful to guide me through that process, but it's not always a walk in the park. Sometimes, it feels like walking through what I envision it might be like to attempt to walk through a windy snow storm.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

Thank you God for gently reminding me to surrender it all to You for You truly do care for me. I'm sorry for neglecting our time together, for giving rushed prayers of thanks or petitions, for plain doing things my way the last couple of weeks.