Confession

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I've been doing things my own way lately. With the busyness of the Christmas Holidays and everything else that was on my plate this December, I lost touch with God and it's been catching up with me. It happens so mildly, the way that I lean on my own understanding. Life appears to be okay as I go about my days, saying "Shucks, I've got so much to do today . . . ugh! I should spend some time with God today, but . . . maybe later." And so it goes, until everything irritates the heck out of me and I begin snapping at my family and I feel like just barricading myself in a room with food and tv. Gee, is that a sign that I'm not bringing God into my day and allowing Him to guide me?

So I just had one of my "personal worship" times here at home in front of my computer. Sounds kind of awkward, but for me it's my truest form of surrender. My "personal worship" times are: 1) popping in a praise & worship dvd (Hillsong - Hope) 2) playing some worship cds, or 3) playing Rita Springer music from her myspace page. Basically, I just sing along and focus on surrendering whatever I'm dealing with to God. Sometimes, I'll play a particular song over and over. Sometimes it's a few songs, sometimes it's just one, but I sing until I feel a letting go of myself. Call it, a humbling surrender of my circumstances.

With surrendering to God, my circumstances slowly begin to change. Most times it will require my fessing up things that I've been avoiding. For instance, I'm going to have to tell my sweet husband that I appreciate the thoughtfulness of his Christmas gift, but I want to return it and get some shoes that I desperately need. You can't really wear flip flops when it's 40something degrees outside, and I'm tired of resorting to my beat up tenny shoes or dressy shoes. It's gonna be a hard gift to return . . . concert tickets. That means trying to get someone to buy them on craigslist.

I'm getting somewhat nauseous just thinking of having to talk with my husband about it all. That's what I get for not being honest because of not wanting to hurt his feelings or make him upset. I don't like confrontation. I don't like rocking the boat. I used to be a people pleaser, and it's hard sometimes to not go back to that life. God has been faithful to guide me through that process, but it's not always a walk in the park. Sometimes, it feels like walking through what I envision it might be like to attempt to walk through a windy snow storm.

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34

Thank you God for gently reminding me to surrender it all to You for You truly do care for me. I'm sorry for neglecting our time together, for giving rushed prayers of thanks or petitions, for plain doing things my way the last couple of weeks.